Sometimes I feel like a superhero, and other times like a bum.

Wednesday's are busy for me but good. Today classes were normal and stuff was just kind of moving by itself today. My body and mind were on autopilot until my break in between classes. Today I had a long talk with a good friend and it was very good and bad at the same time. I'm so glad that he cares enough to talk about it and make sure I'm doing ok, and that he wants me to succeed. Some heavy stuff was talked about, and it just means more things I have to think about and consider. I feel sometimes like I'm trying to help or save people/situations, yet I have to do it in secret, and carry all the burdens of having that responsibility. I know I don't have to help, but something inside me pushes me to fix things, and to care. Superheros have to carry burdens, secrets, identities, and information that can totally change a situation, and act on it. This whole thing is really a big mind twister and really makes me think. I sit back and think about what's going on deep under the surface of things and it scares me and makes me angry. So many people think about Christianity as a goal, and they think that once they reach a certain point that they have to do less work or just coast along. Even for myself, everyday I realize when I mess up that being a Christian is a constant effort, and when you stop working at it, that's when you start to slip up the most. Part of me feels like I have so much pressure and weight on me, concerning things with the band, my own relationships or lack there of, and my faith. And the other part of me feels like a bum. I have so much stuff going on, and at the same time I really don't. I only have 3 classes, I have no job yet, and outside of that I don't really work towards anything. It's such a weird paradox. Like I may have talent at certain things, but I feel like I'm very mediocre or sub par at many skills, and not very good or effective on the few. Well just some thoughts from today. I'm thankful for friends who take the time to talk and listen to me, for free time, and for taco bell.

" I don't know where to start
Say i'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that i smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy your in love
'Cause every color goes where you do

I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow
How could you know what i'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
Oh come on what can i do?
Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening"

Imogen Heap
Frou Frou
album "details"

"Some things are just akward, and some things are not."

Just some thought that has been floating around in my head for the past couple days. It sounded like a cool CD name or something. It's like, for certain people, some situations are just going to be akward. And for others, there won't be a problem at all. People's personalities are built for certain things it seems like. Some people are really good at talking on the phone with people they don't know, or with strangers. Some people are amazing at specific things but don't show it at all. For me, calling someone back that I know for a second time after the first call didn't do anything is very akward. But other people can call multiple times in a few hours and not think anything about it. It really applies to so many other things too. About love and relationships and how people communicate with others. About life and all the types of situations it throws at us.

Got back tonight from a week with my family in Palm Springs. It was really just a nice week of family time, relaxing, and lounging around. It's funny because before school started this week, I was kind of doing that anyways. That's another story though. My family is weird, but so cool. I feel super blessed to be a part of such a great family.

Other thoughts in my head today. Want to start writing more songs with Jeff and getting back into our side project. Or main project now, whatever you want to call it. I want to play places and jam. I want to have more songs and be out on the road sometimes. Meeting new people and seeing if they'll enjoy our music.
Also, it's been so long already, but I really wish i could go a day or two without having a thought about her.

So today I felt like making a blog. I just wanted a place to write everyday or as often as possible just so I can keep myself writing and getting my thoughts out. I think if i blog, more of these ideas/thoughts will get out of my head and I can have room for even more. Even if no one reads it or comments, it will just be good for me to get stuff out.

Well I'm ending today looking back, and reflecting, on how well the day went. I got invited by Bruce to go up to Hanford and do a live painting for their church service in the morning. Jeff went up with with me which worked out to be awesome. We got to catch up on the ride up, which of course is always good. We stay pretty busy but everytime we get together we pick up right where we left off. I have to remind myself somtimes that thought sometimes we dont hang much or get distant at times, we always resolve stuff and have a connection that can get past all that stuff.

We got here and ate some Jacks, and then got to spend time with Bruce, Rhonda, and the family. Bruce, like always, gets right to the heart of things and we all sat down for some nice talking. We talked about the band and whats going on or not going on with it, about how we're doing spirtually, and other things that are just good to talk about. His insite is always so valuable. It made me start thinking about what God might be doing with our band, or what he wants to do with the situation at hand. Bruce made a good point that no matter what happends, with the band, in the end we'll have an awesome testimony because of it. He reminded Jeff and I to really ask God what he wants to do with us in the band, and with us as a group. I end tonight just hanging out with Jeff, relaxin, playin some computer games, and thinking about myself painting tomorrow. I also think about the band and if this situation will ever get better. Unless somethings huge happends with each of us concerning our relationship with God, this things going to slowly end. Unless there is an eye opening experience with the whole band, it wont be long until we're done.

Thats it for tonight, time for some games and sleep.